Movie Review: The Golden Compass
posted by
1970s Abraham Lincoln
posted
4/17/2008 12:20:18 AM
I've watched a lot of bad in-flight movies1, and I can only blame myself. 
First, I have a really hard time ignoring things in my peripheral vision. Second, I've never been able to sleep on a plane, and when I do pack reading material it's almost always something I think I should read (like An Analytical Approach to Discrete Mathematics in Supervisory Control and Data Acquisition Systems, Mandarin Braille Edition), instead of something I'm likely to read, like Professor Fartboner's Illustrated Compendium of Fart and Boner Jokes, Extra Boner Edition. So once I come to terms with the idea that I'll end up watching most of the film despite my best intentions to the contrary, I usually cave and put on the complimentary headphones. Headphones aren't always necessary to follow the thread of the film, but it minimizes the chances that you'll get stuck talking to the elderly woman seated next to you who is inexplicably excited about visiting Idaho.
While I hadn't planned to see The Golden Compass, I was aware of the
manufactured controversy (it was written by an atheist). I also knew that it essentially bankrupted New Line Cinema, and that
it prominently featured a quasi-bearded, polar-bear-fighting James
Bond. I was also aware that it was not likely to be good. Most fantasy
movies spend more effort on CGI than plot development, and since the
ads I'd seen left me without any clue to the premise, I assumed it was going to be another League of Extraordinary Gentlemen (also seen on a plane), or that movie where Hugh Jackman fights werewolves piltdown man vampires .
Anyway, The Golden Compass is about a little girl who is more precocious and/or Australian than Dakota Fanning2. Australian Dakota Fanning lives in a parallel universe where people have an unhealthy relationship with their pets, and a religious cabal conspires to thwart scientific exploration in order to maintain political influence and suppress dissent3. Daniel Craig plays Australian Dakota Fanning's uncle, who travels to the north pole to fight eskimos and talking bears. The bears wear armor [which is awesome], and are voiced by famous British stage actors like Count Dooku and the guy who kissed Jimmy Fallon on the mouth.
Although the movie is marketed to four-year-olds, they lay a lot on you in the first thirty minutes. First of all, you learn that the force is actually made of tiny particles called midichlorians. Then you learn that Daniel Craig is only on-screen for about seven minutes of the twenty-nine thousand minute film, and that Nicole Kidman is a less credible actor than either a twelve-year-old kid or a computer-generated bear. By the time the narrator from The Big Lebowski shows up in a blimp with a sass-talking bunny rabbit (I am not making this up), you're either totally onboard or you're learning more about Idaho.
The Golden Compass failed at the box office for a variety of reasons, but ultimately I blame hubris. There is no greater predictor of box office death than an overt reference to a sequel in the final minutes of a film. They may not have announced a title, but there was an explicit promise that the next film would solve all of the problems raised in the first. For the sake of Australian Dakota Fanning and that sass-talking bunny rabbit, I hope it happens - and with any luck, it'll coincide with the release of Buckaroo Banzai vs. The World Crime League.
1. Norbit eastbound, Norbit westbound
2. Who by astonishing coincidence is also named "Dakota"
3. Which is preposterous
Tags: movie reviews, the golden compass, daniel craig, talking bears
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