Watching the Republican Debate, Banging Head Repeatedly Against Table

posted by 1970s Abraham Lincoln
posted 1/5/2008 6:28:55 PM

7:15pm  TV on.
 
7:20pm  Ron Paul tries to explain that US foreign policy has consequences, makes a fairly compelling and logical argument that 50 years of propping up brutal dictatorships might have fomented some ill-will toward our nation.  Everyone else: "Nuh-uh!  They hate us 'cause of our freedoms!"

7:25pm  Still arguing.  Romney: "Don't you talk bad about my mommy America!"

7:30pm  Beer.

7:35pm  Still arguing.

7:44pm  Moderator: "Trillion dollar war, but no healthcare?  C'mon."  All candidates: "Why do you hate America?"

7:52pm  Romney: "Oh, I LIKE mandates!"

Thompson: "You like mandates? I was wondering when you were going to admit it."
[laughter from audience]

Romney: "I most certainly DO like mandates"

Thompson: "Wait, you're saying you like man-dates?"

Romney: "Let me tell you about the kind of man-dates I like!"

Thompson: "I want to hear all about your man-dates."

Giuliani: "Haha, haha, I get it."


7:57pm  Flipping channels.  Goddamnit, I missed Doctor Who for this?  Ron Paul now talking about imminent attack from the Moon, warns we do not have enough balloons to thwart invasion.

7:58pm  McCain: Let's assign a dollar value to each ailment, and give doctors a bonus for curing the patient if the treatment costs less than the predetermined value.  Great.  I look forward to finding the best deal for my next life-saving operation on Priceline.com.

8:06pm  Immigration question.  Candidates:  "Give us your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free - the wretched refuse of your teeming shore."  Just kidding, they want to kick out all the ferners.  Except Romney's pool boy.

8:08pm  Giuliani: National ID card.  Murmurs of "Mark of the Beast" from Huckabee supporters in the audience.  Ron Paul's head explodes.

8:12pm  Romney confuses the hell out of McCain on immigration and starts to glow with confidence.  This could be his moment!  McCain is retreating, stammering, unable to form a sentence.  That little vein pops way out on his head, and he starts to bare his teeth.  It looks like Romney finally has the best of him, until everybody points out that their positions are identical.  Now Romney is confused and McCain is laughing. 

Thompson: "This business will get out of control. It will get out of control and we'll be lucky to live through it."


8:23pm  Charlie Gibson: "How can you beat Obama?"

Romney: "Well, he wants everyone to have health insurance.  No one wants that."

Thompson: "Summer of his third year, he and his squad went down in a chopper accident in the Med.  Bad - pilot, crew killed. That kid spent ten months in traction, another year learning to walk again. Did his fourth year from the hospital. Now, it's up to you, Charlie, but you might consider cuttin' the kid a little slack."

McCain: "Hey, hey, [laughing], hey Mittens, hey, YOU are the candidate of change.  Get it?  CHANGE.  Because you change your positions frequently.  I've been holding this in for like, five minutes.  But it was totally worth it."

Huckabee: "Once, briefly, I saw Chuck Norris changing out of his gi.  I didn't look directly, but I could tell he was magnificent."

Giuliani: "When I win the Alaskan primary in late September, my momentum will propel me to certain victory.  Also, 9/11."


8:29pm  Beer?  Did I say beer?  I meant scotch.

8:34pm  We have an unlimited supply of oil, forever and ever.  Hooray!  Wait, did I say oil?  I meant clean coal.  Or nuclear.  Whatever, the free market will figure it out.

8:42pm  WTF?  The Democratic candidates are onstage now too, hugging the GOP candidates.  Did I say scotch?  I must have meant paint thinner.  ZOMG, Huckabee just tried to plant one on Hillary and she totally wouldn't go for it.  Awk-ward.


And just because everyone else is doing it too, Liberal Fascism

Tags: mandates, romney, republican debates
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