We Thought They Would Be Monkeys

posted by 1970s Abraham Lincoln
posted 11/16/2007 9:21:10 AM

A few weeks ago I mentioned the horrifying, monkey-inflicted death of Delhi's deputy mayor, and postulated that some sort of local monkey-related apocalypse was all but inevitable. I even solicited action plans from candidates for local office, all of whom wisely chose to ignore the request with the exception of Ward 4 Councilor-Elect Kevin Starr:

"While the citizens of Fitchburg need to be on the lookout for packs of homicidal monkeys, I feel a bigger threat is imminent, aggressive goats looking to take over and change our way of life."
- Ward 4 Councilor-Elect Kevin Starr
Starr went on to say that there are a lot more goats in this area than monkeys [true], that goats become ornery if you attempt to eat delicious ice cream in front of them and do not share [true], and that while Marshall Farm is a local treasure and a delight for children of all ages [true], it may also be a breeding ground for terror [I don't know, you'll have to ask Kevin].

I ignored all of this because he's so clearly wrong. Goats do not have opposable thumbs. Goats can not climb things, wear overalls, use roller-skate technology or punch out enemies when commanded to do so by Clint Eastwood. There are no films starring either Marky Mark or Charlton Heston about a dystopic future in which goats ride horses and keep humans as slaves. A giant goat will never be captured in the deepest heart of Africa, brought to New York City for display, then climb the Empire State Building and swat at biplanes to impress a girl. Goats lack ambition, and it shows. Get real, Kevin Starr!

But while I was dismissive of Starr's goat theory, it turns out that perhaps he was right to suspect danger in another order, or in this case, another class...

Today's Sentinel and Enterprise features an article describing how "41 2-foot unwanted iguana[s]" were removed from an apartment in Fitchburg this week. An heroic member of the Fitchburg Police Department single-handedly captured all 41 2-foot iguana[s], then took them to PetCo, a fact that PetCo officials now inexplicably deny.

So many questions remain. Why 41 2-foot iguanas? Why not 40, or 45? For that matter, why not 20.5 4-foot iguanas, or 10.25 8-foot iguanas? How long have the iguanas been here? Why is Pet-Co in denial? Was this Fitchburg apartment simply a staging area? Where are the iguanas now?

Let's hope we never find out.



Tags: 41 2-foot iguanas, sentinel, kron, kevin starr, damien fisher gets all of the good stories
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