Horde of Monkeys Attacks and Kills Mayor
posted by
1970s Abraham Lincoln
posted
10/23/2007 12:15:01 PM
Citizens today mourn the loss of a beloved city official in yet another horrific display of random monkey violence. 
It may not have been our mayor [this time!], but that doesn't make the story any less tragic. SS Bajwa, the Deputy Mayor of Delhi, was enjoying a pleasant evening on the terrace when a gang of angry monkeys attacked. He fought valiantly, but ultimately the seething monkey horde pulled the city official over the railing to his doom.
This is not an isolated incident. According to this BBC report, Delhi is completely overrun with gangs of wild monkeys who harass passersby, ride recklessly on their tiny monkey dirt bikes and have loud monkey parties until all hours of the night.
But because devout Hindus revere monkeys as the earthly manifestation of a god, common pest control practices are pretty much out of the question. The only logical solution, of course, was to train larger monkeys to attack the smaller monkeys and hopefully drive them out of town. Surprisingly, this seemingly flawless plan did not succeed, and residents of Delhi now have twice as many monkeys of varying size attacking and killing their city officials.
Some may dismiss the threat of monkey attack as trivial. But can we really afford to take that chance? I call upon each of our mayoral, school committee and city council candidates to articulate a formal position to address the imminent monkey threat. We deserve to know how our elected officials will respond should our city ever be beset by a plague of monkeys. If you are a current (or failed) candidate, please contact us. We pledge to print your monkey counter-attack strategy in its entirety.
Citizens, are you concerned? Vote in our latest poll!
UPDATE: Poll now working (sorry if you tried to vote before)
UPDATE 2: Ward 4 Council Candidate Kevin Starr has submitted his counter-monkey strategy (or is it monkey counter-strategy?).
Tags: monkey attack, monkey terror, still safer than leominster
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