The Revolution Apparently Begins in Leominster

posted by 1970s Abraham Lincoln
posted 10/14/2007 10:04:54 PM

We get a lot of grief from our southern neighbors. They live in palatial estates adorned with concrete driveway lions and robot servants. Most of their city council members have at least eighth-grade educations. Residents drive their hover-cars between their recently-renamed mall and their trillion-dollar library all while disparaging the state of affairs in Fitchburg.

“Downtown Fitchburg,” they proclaim with affected exhaustion, “is for ruffians and ne’er do-wells. Why, they have nary a ‘Linens-n-Things’! Where on Earth do they buy sundries?” they titter, before driving to The Olive Garden for an authentic Italian meal.

Fortunately, the gates to Leominster’s walled gardens are sufficiently high that we’re seldom exposed to their condescension. Their help, however, appear to be getting restless. As Sunday’s Telegram notes, “A driver’s commute home was briefly interrupted last night when he saw a fire in the middle of the road, according to Fire Lt. Dan Kirouac. INTERRUPTED BY UNSPEAKABLE TERROR AS A MOLOTOV COCKTAIL, THE MODERN SYMBOL OF REVOLUTION, EXPLODED IN THE ROAD IN FRONT OF HIS [HOVER] CAR. HOLY SHIT!"

I don't know about you, but I've been to downtown Fitchburg about a thousand times, and I've never had anyone throw a Molotov cocktail at me. I had a sweaty guy ask me for a sip of my beer once (I declined), and I've helped chase a hobo out of a Port-a-Potty, but I've never seen outright revolution unfolding in front of me. At least, not in Fitchburg.

Leominster, you should probably be worried. I mean, this sort of thing doesn't get better on its own. It starts with kerchiefed youths throwing Molotov cocktails at hover cars, and it ends with the complete redistribution of wealth. At this point, it's clear that your only options are to 1) sock away more cash in the Caymans, and 2) start aggressively tipping your pool boys.

As Gandhi famously said, "First they laugh at you, then they fight you, then they make an Oscar-winning movie about you with Ben Kingsley. Then he stars in Sneakers with Robert Redford. Mary whats-her-name will go on to be in Battlestar Galactica (which is awesome), then Ben Kingsley will do some creepy movie with Nicole Kidman that no one will remember. The blind guy will play Edward R. Murrow like, fifteen years later. Wait, Sydney Poitier was in that too? Are you serious? Sydney "Breakfast at fucking Tiffany's, the dude who broke down innumerable racial barriers" Poitier?? Didn't he also end up making some shitty movie with Sylvester Stallone? No? That was Tom Berenger? Tom "'Sniper', with Billy Zane" Berenger? Jesus. What the fuck?"


Tags: leominster revolt, leominster crime wave, stay away from leominster, leominster is incredibly dangerous, fitchburg is comparatively safe, setec astronomy
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