Headlines Good, Articles Bad!

posted by The Unicow
posted 9/10/2007 2:11:05 PM

Know what's great? Newspaper headlines!

Imagine the intellect required to take a few-hundred word article and condense the basic gist of it into a pithy sentence guaranteed to grab the reader's interest and make them think "I must know more about this news item." It must be staggering!

It's no hyperbole to say that a good headline is almost haiku-like in its brilliant simplicity.

Unfortunately, the bodies of the stories themselves are almost universally a disappointment. It's like taking those haikus and writing a few really boring paragraphs about zoning laws and the food pyramid underneath them in order to "flesh them out." Terrible!

This is why I will now stick to just reading the headlines and figure out the stories from them. I don't need any stinking Cliff Notes to understand the news! Plus, not only does this save time and energy that would be wasted reading the articles, but it provides a much more interesting picture of the town!

As a public service, I will now demonstrate how easy this is so that you can do it yourselves. Once you learn to do it at home you can enjoy the same zen-like tranquility that I've found.

Please join me in Read-More-land for the demonstration.



For the purposes of this article, I'll be using the Sentinel's headlines, picked semi-randomly from the last week or whenever I feel like. You can use any news source, really, but I find the Sentinel has some of the most talented practitioners of headline-poetry around.

I've linked to the articles in question, but please don't actually read them! The point here is to save yourself that hassle and get all you need from the headline. Otherwise you're doing twice the work!

So let's give it a shot...

Headline #1: Wood-grinder sparks fire
Probable Story:

A local man had spent the last five years attempting to prove that it's not just boy scouts who can start a fire by rubbing sticks together. He's often seen sitting on his porch rubbing two pieces of birch together next to a pile of cotton and newspaper scraps, humming softly to himself. Neighbors have come to refer to him as "the Wood-grinder."
Apparently the Wood-grinder recently became enraged while watching a Discovery Channel documentary on the Inuit people. There was most likely an eight-year-old Inuit boy in the documentary who started a fire by rubbing sticks together. It would have taken him about five minutes.
After watching this, the Wood-grinder bought a can of kerosene, dumped it all over his car, and set it on fire with a grill-lighter. Firefighters found him sitting nearby, repeatedly muttering the phrase "goddamn Canadians".

Headline #2: New Sox players lacking heart
Probable Story:

In a marvel of modern bioengineering, the Red Sox baseball franchise has begun manufacturing superhuman creatures to fill out its roster! These "meta-humans" are a Frankenstein-ish agglomeration of the best bits and pieces of rookies who couldn't make it through training camp.
Seeing that none of the rookies were great as a full package, the scientists in charge decided to splice together the bets bits and pieces they could get. Good throwing arm but bad running speed? The arm gets used and the legs tossed aside. Repeat as necessary until you've condensed twenty or thirty mediocre players into two or three fantastic ones!
Unfortunately, they forgot to put hearts in them. So they died.

Headline #3: Bust part of larger scheme
Probable Story:
A music-loving bank robber has taken to using a marble bust of Beethoven in his bank heists! The clever criminal balances the bust on top of his head, then dons a large trenchcoat, making it appear that a very pale Ludwig Van Beethoven is walking into the bank. He also carries a small Casio keyboard with him.
The tellers, classical music lovers all, ask him to play a piece for them. The criminal mastermind/famous composer agrees, but demands a small fee (maybe twenty bucks). Since this is a small price for the chance to hear a musical genius at work, the bank manager brings a $20 bill over.
The criminal/Beethoven then wonks the manager over the head with his keyboard and robs the bank!
Bonus alternate possibility:
Chesty Morgan has risen from the dead!!! In some sort of scheme involving zombie strippers or something!!!

See how easy it is?

Enjoy your new, more interesting life, free from the distractions of boring newspaper articles! Headlines Rule!

Tags: headlines, newspapers, busts
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