Gluten Terror Strikes New Haven!

posted by The Unicow
posted 8/28/2007 1:17:37 PM

As if it weren't bad enough that terrorists are attacking our beloved town with terrifying "tinfoil bombs", the AP today reports that we now have another common household item to fear: flour!

From the story:

NEW HAVEN, Conn. - Two people who sprinkled flour in a parking lot to mark a trail for their offbeat running club inadvertently caused a bioterrorism scare and now face a felony charge.

The sprinkled powder forced hundreds to evacuate an IKEA furniture store Thursday.
To put the story in a nutshell for you, an ophthalmologist and his sister are in big trouble because they used flour (as well as chalk) to mark a route for their running club. Through an IKEA parking lot, where easily frightened people shop for cheap Swedish furniture.

Anyway, someone saw them doing it and called the cops. Because apparently flour is terrifying if you spend all your time watching Sean Hannity and reading "The Weekly Standard". Flour is especially scary when dumped in a parking lot with big arrows around it!

The criminal mastermind who dumped the flour there heard about the fuss and came back to inform the police that it was just flour. Which in a logical world would have resulted in laughter at how dumb the person who called the police was.

Sadly, we do not live in a logical world. Instead, we get the "Mayoral spokeswoman" saying this:
“You see powder connected by arrows and chalk, you never know,” she said. “It could be a terrorist, it could be something more serious. We’re thankful it wasn’t, but there were a lot of resources that went into figuring that out.”
A lot of resources?
  1. The guy came back and told you it was flour!
  2. Terrorists don't generally draw big chalk arrows near their piles of bioterror powder.
  3. Terrorists also wouldn't dump a pile of bioterror powder in the middle of a parking lot, even if they're really dumb.
  4. It's freakin' flour!
Let this be a warning to anyone out there who enjoys eating powdered donuts. You'd better put a tarp down next time. Otherwise somebody might see the powdered sugar you drop and call the cops, instantly making you a felon.

Or you could try to get people to stop wetting their pants about anything their media-saturated little brains interpret as "terrorism".

But the tarp thing is a lot more realistic.


Tags: nonterrorism, gluten intolerance, terror opthamologists
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